So Now What?

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVED being pregnant with Ruby? It was wonderful & magical. I wasn't sick or tired. I was just happy & excited (especially when I could feel her moving & hear that heartbeat). This is not that time.

It's not that I don't feel well. I feel just fine. I am just wracked with worry. I'm sure I was at the beginning with Ruby too. I just hate this time in the pregnancy. Everything is so unsure.

I watched the Lifetime movie "Return to Zero" last night (probably a shitty move on my part). It's about a couple dealing with the death of a stillborn baby boy. The moment when they tell her they can't find a heartbeat is just so sad. Of course I don't know it at that stage (& hopefully never do) but I know it from the earlier stages where you just go from the most extreme excitement to an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. It makes you want to throw up to hear those words. It was a great movie in terms of how they were about showing the emotion involved in it (tears, anger, blame, etc). I hope it never happens to my family or friends, but if it does I hope I can be a comfort to them instead of alienating or isolating them.

I go to the doctor on Friday to get my first look/listen of the baby. Let's pray all goes well. I had a dream last night that I woke up bleeding, so I went to the doctor & discovered I was pregnant with twins, but one had died. Not sure if its from the movie or the worry (probably both) but I hope I don't have another one of those. It was dreadful. I'll post back by Friday, if not sooner.

Wonderful Distractions

So I jumped on here the other day to post about still not being pregnant when Ruby had a massive blowout that required a bath. Hence, no post.

Let me back up a bit: Last week we discovered that my very best girlfriend that recently just got married is PREGNANT! I am overjoyed for her, absolutely. There is not even a HINT of sadness that this happened for her & not me. When I was trying so hard for a baby (before Ruby) & would discover one of my friends was pregnant it would lead to sheer meltdown mode. Not because I wasn't happy for THEM, but because I was so so so so so so sad for myself. I just thought it would never happen. But now I have Ruby & am pretty content so I'm in a much better place overall.

I also took a pregnancy test last week, but alas... negative. Let me tell you. I buy pregnancy tests from the Dollar Tree in bulk, because I test pretty often each month.

So yesterday my pregnant friend asked me if I had started my period yet. I told her I had not (day 41 to be exact) & had just bought a bulk pack of Tampons from Sam's Club in anticipation of impending doom. I had also purchased a case of Sugar Free Red Bull (my fav) & picked up all inclusive food/adult beverage passes to the Colonial Golf Tournament coming up. My barren May was shaping up to be pretty great so far! (Note: My birthday is also at the end of this month)

She suggested I retest using one of her "high quality" recommendation pregnancy tests. I told her I would, but was pretty confident that I was not, since she was & being pregnant with my bestie together would be the best thing ever, so it wasn't gonna happen.

Never say never.

Double pink lines! Texted the nurse at my doctor's office, they took my bloodwork (to immediately start tracking my #'s) gave me Progesterone supplements, Folgard & a bag full of super prenatals. I am lucky to have such a good relationship with my doctor's staff. They were all genuinely excited for me & know what I have been through so their support is clutch at this time.

So there you have it folks. A little over a year of trying. I am pregnant for the fourth time since 2010. If all goes well this will be my second living child. We are being "cautiously optimistic". I am nervous as hell, but excited too. Let's do this.