August Blues

August is my LEAST favorite month of the year. It is so miserably hot & humid here in Texas. Fortunately, I am feeling better so I don't have to deal with that on top of the heat. But poor Ruby just wants to ALWAYS be at the park & it's just too hot for that right now. Unless we go early in the morning or at dusk (but then we have to deal with the mosquitos that are on steroids here). I try & take her to the museum about once a week since we have passes (& it is air conditioned).

We just got back from a very quick trip to the Texas coast. It was a long drive but fun. I wish we could have stayed longer. We discovered a couple of things while we were down there though: Ruby doesn't like the ocean & she REALLY doesn't like sand on her feet. She thinks she is "DIRTY". It was rough on her. She just kept saying "I wanna go swimming in the pool!"... poor thing.

I go for my anatomy sonogram on the 27th to make sure BG#2's organs are developing properly. Hopefully everything will appear normal. Say a little prayer. My vice while I'm pregnant is googling all the things that can go wrong at different intervals in pregnancy. It drives my nurse at my OB insane. I can't help it though. I need to work on it because it is stressing me out.

I think we have decided on her name though. Vivian. Ruby can't say it right now. She just says Bibi.

Update!

So we got the Panorama test done the last week of June. It came back that everything was chromosomally (sp?) correct & that this baby is a girl! We are thrilled. Since about week 10 I have felt pretty lousy though. Not throwing up, just nauseous. Which is great. I want to feel bad since that usually puts me more at ease that everything is going great with the baby. Does that make sense?

Ruby took a dump in the middle of her bedroom yesterday. So I had that to deal with. Also, my oldest nephew turned ELEVEN. Where does the time go? He is such an amazing boy. Very patient & kind. I hope this second baby has those qualities. Ruby is kind but definitely NOT patient. "No 2 year old is patient" I'm sure you're saying right now... but my nephew was. Even at two years old. Really a perfect toddler. I never saw him throw a fit. Ever. But her second son made up for that! Happy birthday my sweet DD. I love you to the moon & back.

I lied. Sorry about that...

So I did NOT post back on Friday. Or sooner. But everything went as well as can be expected at that stage. There was a small bean with a heartbeat. Estimated due date 1/19. They scheduled me for a better look on 6/9 (my doctor's office is really good about seeing me every couple of weeks until I feel in the clear about my chances...).

Obviously, 6/9 was Monday. And everything still looked good. The baby was measuring exactly 9 weeks so they moved my due date up to 1/12. I will go back on 6/23 to get another look & have blood work done for the Panorama test (since I've already had 1 baby with a chromosome issue - Trisomy 13). That will tell me if this baby has a chromosome problem & what the gender is.

So that's the update yall. I'm still hella scared because I can't hear it with the Doppler yet, but encouraged by my last couple of visits.

Oh yeah. I turned 33 at the end of last month. I pretty much cried all night because we had to leave my birthday party early because my toddler was throwing the worst fit ever. Then she threw up in my face the next morning. Super gross. Then my sister-in-laws made me feel bad because Ruby doesn't go down easy at night & pretty much because I wouldn't get it because I didn't breastfeed her. Basically, I was just super hormonal & sensitive to their comments. But still. I have a lot of internal guilt about how I had to have a C-section & couldn't breastfeed so I take comments about either of those things pretty close to heart. Both of my grandmothers had all their kids via C-section & my sister, but they were able to breast feed so... I just kinda feel like my body wasn't MADE to have children. And that's soul crushing. But my body did CREATE & CARRY her so I should be super thankful for that. There are plenty of people in the world wishing for my situation & I shouldn't take it for granted. But sometimes I do & I need to snap out of it because I have a cute toddler to focus on raising. Right?

So Now What?

Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVED being pregnant with Ruby? It was wonderful & magical. I wasn't sick or tired. I was just happy & excited (especially when I could feel her moving & hear that heartbeat). This is not that time.

It's not that I don't feel well. I feel just fine. I am just wracked with worry. I'm sure I was at the beginning with Ruby too. I just hate this time in the pregnancy. Everything is so unsure.

I watched the Lifetime movie "Return to Zero" last night (probably a shitty move on my part). It's about a couple dealing with the death of a stillborn baby boy. The moment when they tell her they can't find a heartbeat is just so sad. Of course I don't know it at that stage (& hopefully never do) but I know it from the earlier stages where you just go from the most extreme excitement to an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. It makes you want to throw up to hear those words. It was a great movie in terms of how they were about showing the emotion involved in it (tears, anger, blame, etc). I hope it never happens to my family or friends, but if it does I hope I can be a comfort to them instead of alienating or isolating them.

I go to the doctor on Friday to get my first look/listen of the baby. Let's pray all goes well. I had a dream last night that I woke up bleeding, so I went to the doctor & discovered I was pregnant with twins, but one had died. Not sure if its from the movie or the worry (probably both) but I hope I don't have another one of those. It was dreadful. I'll post back by Friday, if not sooner.

Wonderful Distractions

So I jumped on here the other day to post about still not being pregnant when Ruby had a massive blowout that required a bath. Hence, no post.

Let me back up a bit: Last week we discovered that my very best girlfriend that recently just got married is PREGNANT! I am overjoyed for her, absolutely. There is not even a HINT of sadness that this happened for her & not me. When I was trying so hard for a baby (before Ruby) & would discover one of my friends was pregnant it would lead to sheer meltdown mode. Not because I wasn't happy for THEM, but because I was so so so so so so sad for myself. I just thought it would never happen. But now I have Ruby & am pretty content so I'm in a much better place overall.

I also took a pregnancy test last week, but alas... negative. Let me tell you. I buy pregnancy tests from the Dollar Tree in bulk, because I test pretty often each month.

So yesterday my pregnant friend asked me if I had started my period yet. I told her I had not (day 41 to be exact) & had just bought a bulk pack of Tampons from Sam's Club in anticipation of impending doom. I had also purchased a case of Sugar Free Red Bull (my fav) & picked up all inclusive food/adult beverage passes to the Colonial Golf Tournament coming up. My barren May was shaping up to be pretty great so far! (Note: My birthday is also at the end of this month)

She suggested I retest using one of her "high quality" recommendation pregnancy tests. I told her I would, but was pretty confident that I was not, since she was & being pregnant with my bestie together would be the best thing ever, so it wasn't gonna happen.

Never say never.

Double pink lines! Texted the nurse at my doctor's office, they took my bloodwork (to immediately start tracking my #'s) gave me Progesterone supplements, Folgard & a bag full of super prenatals. I am lucky to have such a good relationship with my doctor's staff. They were all genuinely excited for me & know what I have been through so their support is clutch at this time.

So there you have it folks. A little over a year of trying. I am pregnant for the fourth time since 2010. If all goes well this will be my second living child. We are being "cautiously optimistic". I am nervous as hell, but excited too. Let's do this.

Betcha Thought I Forgot About You?

I'm still here! (& still not pregnant... whomp whomp)

Ruby turned 2 exactly one week ago & we had a donut & pajama birthday party for her. She really enjoyed it this year. The party is still SO LARGE. It is really too many people for a little house like ours, but everyone wants to come & see her celebrate so what can I do??? We literally blew through 4 dozen donuts, 4 dozen kolaches & 4 dozen donut holes. Plus I had a big bowl of fruit, milk & juice. WTH? I will really be okay when she gets a little older & just wants a slumber party or something where I can order pizza & rent 2 movies. Know what I mean?

Work is tapering off a bit & I am fine with that. We have tried to transition Rubes into a toddler bed, but that isn't going so well. I would really like my Mondays to be open so I can SLEEP. It feels like I will never sleep normally again. {Sigh...}

If anyone out there is reading this, any suggestions for making my life easier & getting her to STAY in her bed? I'm all ears...

Well...

The results are in (kind of): I am NOT pregnant. And I'm sad about it. My dog woke me up at 2am to go outside & that's when I "discovered" I was not pregnant. So I'm not sleeping anymore. & googling. & crying. What's wrong with my body? I was pregnant within a month of stopping birth control (miscarriage #1), then 3 months later, (miscarriage #2), & then with little R 5 months later. I've been pregnant or trying to get pregnant the better part of 4 years now. And I'm frustrated.