Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVED being pregnant with Ruby? It was wonderful & magical. I wasn't sick or tired. I was just happy & excited (especially when I could feel her moving & hear that heartbeat). This is not that time.
It's not that I don't feel well. I feel just fine. I am just wracked with worry. I'm sure I was at the beginning with Ruby too. I just hate this time in the pregnancy. Everything is so unsure.
I watched the Lifetime movie "Return to Zero" last night (probably a shitty move on my part). It's about a couple dealing with the death of a stillborn baby boy. The moment when they tell her they can't find a heartbeat is just so sad. Of course I don't know it at that stage (& hopefully never do) but I know it from the earlier stages where you just go from the most extreme excitement to an awful feeling in the pit of your stomach. It makes you want to throw up to hear those words. It was a great movie in terms of how they were about showing the emotion involved in it (tears, anger, blame, etc). I hope it never happens to my family or friends, but if it does I hope I can be a comfort to them instead of alienating or isolating them.
I go to the doctor on Friday to get my first look/listen of the baby. Let's pray all goes well. I had a dream last night that I woke up bleeding, so I went to the doctor & discovered I was pregnant with twins, but one had died. Not sure if its from the movie or the worry (probably both) but I hope I don't have another one of those. It was dreadful. I'll post back by Friday, if not sooner.
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